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Pregnancy Loss Support Group

  1. #1
    City Jammer is offline Registered User
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    Oct 2008
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    Taikoo Shing
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    Pregnancy Loss Support Group

    Hi there, I did a little search on this forum and on different websites and found that there is no support group or any kind of resources available for pregnancy loss in HK. I lost my baby boy at 22 weeks and 2 days in mid-June and find this to be a most lonely sorrow. And I am no stranger to grief. I am trying to focus on my little girl who is past 20 months but I have a lot of questions about the medical system here (which I will be asking my gynecologist when I see her next week). I lost my baby due to subchorionic hemorrhage, which went undetected by two expensive private gynecologists and none at the Pamela Youde. Despite the fact that I was bleeding heavily, everyday, for three months. Even when I went to Queen Mary, nothing was done to stop the premature contractions (no injections, no pills, nothing) and I was left lying on the bed, tolerating the pain alone for almost 7 hours until my baby was born prematurely. Repeated requests to the nurses for at least a painkiller was pretty much ignored until a panadol was given to me five hours later. And his heart was still beating less than five minutes before he was born. I was not allowed to fly out of HK either to seek medical treatment in my home country.

    Sorry for venting here but I am really curious to find out how women cope in situations like this, when their families are away from here and this seems to be a very taboo topic to talk about.


  2. #2
    KathyKitzis is offline Registered User
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    Aug 2008
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    Hong Kong
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    27

    Hi Cityjammer, sorry to hear about your loss. I think talking about it helps, but the hard part is finding the right people to talk to. It sounds like you have quite a few feelings to work through surrounding your loss and the experience you had. What do you think would help you? To meet other mums who lost babies? or to talk with people that are willing to help you work through your feelings?
    I had a difficult pregnancy and spent 10 weeks in Queen Mary so can empathise a bit about staff attitudes, they really don't want to know you if you are not at 24 weeks yet. It has taken me a long time to work through my feelings but I found it really helps to talk things through or even to write about it.
    If you want to chat more let me know.
    Again, I am deeply sorry for your loss.


  3. #3
    City Jammer is offline Registered User
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    Hi KathyKitzis, thank you for your reply. I was beginning to think that this topic is taboo on this forum too! I am sorry too for what you went through at QMH.

    I have spoken to women who had gone through pregnancy loss and they shy away from the topic as quickly as they can. I really wonder how they managed! It's amazing how people would talk about loss of close family members but yet nobody wants to share about how they coped with miscarriage/pregnancy loss.

    Advice given includes have another baby quick (one child can never replace another), go see a shrink (why would I want to pay money to someone who has never been in my shoes?), move on (where and how?) or most would pretend that nothing has happened. Questions asked to the hospital doctors were completely unanswered. They were probably afraid I might sue them, which would never give me back my baby anyway. I was prepared to move to a private hospital but the private gynecologists both said that only public hospitals are equipped to deal with emergencies and I was asked not to consider the option. I can honestly say that in the public hospitals, all they did was made me lie in bed and they did nothing at all. They didn't know why I was bleeding, doctors at Pamela Youde refused to refer me to QMH as they said I was not a high risk case, even though they have repeatedly told me that I would lose my baby anytime (they said that for three months). I went to QMH armed with a second detailed referral letter from Dr. Ngai along with my ultrasound pictures, highlighting the problem. They had wanted to turn me away when I first went there with the first referral letter. And still nothing was done.

    I know I fought hard to keep this baby but I am not convinced that everything possible was done by doctors and medical staff I encountered to save us.


  4. #4
    lisa88 is offline Registered User
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    Hi Cityjammer, I am very sorry to hear about your loss and how the whole thing unfolded. I lost 3 pregnancies so I know the loss you are talking about. The miscarriages all happened before I hit 12 weeks so the circumstances surrounding the loss were different. They also happened quite a few years ago in when we lived in a different country so I can't really offer suggestions on the pregnancy counselling support here in HK. I did talk to an elderly woman who had suffered pre-term deaths at six or seven months so I can very well imagine the anguish you went through. How does one cope? I didn't go for counselling, I did get a lot of cliched advice (like you describe) from lots of well meaning people, and both my husband and I had different ways of grieving. The doctors could not find anything wrong with either of us, and we were told to "keep trying". We had just about given up when I found myself pregnant naturally in my early 40s. After an easy pregnancy, our daughter was born. Everytime the medical staff asked me if she was my first pregnancy, I had to keep saying, "she is my fourth, the first three ended in miscarriage". I still think of the lost babies, remembering how old they would have been if they had lived, but I guess I have learned to get on with life. It's hard to tell you that you have to work through your grief and there will be little things that trigger your recollection of the lost baby. Even if you have another baby, that there will be that missing baby in the middle. But the truth is that statistically one in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage or pre-term death, so there are many mothers out there who are carrying their grief around with them.

    The experience you have with the hospitals here sounds a lot like red tape and passing the buck that can happen. I haven't had direct bad experiences here with the public hospitals, although I can very well imagine. I am sorry I cannot give you suggestions on how to navigate (or battle) the hospital bureaucracy to find the answers you seek.


  5. #5
    dimsum mum is offline Registered User
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    Hi CityJammer
    I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your son.
    I have contacted a friend and she is getting back to me with names of message boards you may like to try posting at. They are specifically for women who have suffered the tragedy of late term losses. I will post when I have the details of the sites.


  6. #6
    dimsum mum is offline Registered User
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    Hi again,
    To start, here is the URL for INCIID: Infertility, Pregnancy Loss and Adoption Bulletin Boards and Forums on INCIID

    IF you scroll down to the bottom they have a "locked" (you have to apply for membership, so it is private viewing) forum for "Miscarriage and pregnancy loss support" they also have a "grief and loss" board as well, which is also private.

    I don't know how active these boards are, I will hopefully be able to send you some more information soon.
    xo


  7. #7
    wenyihsu is offline Registered User
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    Hi Cityjammer,
    I'm so sorry to hear about your lost. I can not even start to imagine the anguish and grief you must be going through right now. I had suffered a through a miscarriage between my two kids. Early term and nothing like you had experienced so the circumstances are very different. Immediately after having the miscarriage I become obsessed with getting pregnant again. Luckily I did get pregnant again 4 months after the miscarriage. However, not long after getting pregnant, I had an emotional breakdown. I became severely depressed. Anyways, I finally forced myself to go see a therapist and although I was very skeptical in the beginning (like you said, why would i want to pay someone who's never been through what I've been through to give me advice) it was honestly the best decision that I have ever made. With her help, I was able to mourn the lost of my child, pick myself back up and move on with life without feeling immensely guilty. Maybe worth a try when you are ready. Hang in there!


  8. #8
    karmah1's Avatar
    karmah1 is offline Registered User
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    Sydney, Australia (but would like to return to HK)
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    Hi Cityjammer.

    I'm so sorry for your loss and that you have been unable to find a support group in HK.

    I'm not sure what country you are originally from, but in Australia there is a a website called Essential Baby, similar to GeoBaby but with alot more forums. Scroll down the forum list to Miscarriage, Stillbirth & the Loss of a Child there are 2 forums in this section you could join, and they are very active.

    Essential Baby

    I hope you find the support you need.
    Be kind to yourself
    julie


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