Why Chinese Mothers are Superior...??

[Nic]

I can't agree more with Nicole- I now value my mum as one of my best friends. In fact it was my mum that said to me after the birth of my first child that she now viewed us as complete equals and friends, there is give and take on both sides. It is definitely something that I hope will be replicated in the relationship I have with my children.
As has been said before, my parents were not a push over by any stretch of the imagination but just wanted me to fulfill my potential whether that was being top of my class or scrapping through and perhaps more importantly for me to be happy. Happiness is unique to the individual but perhaps (as I am western) I think there is more to it than tangibles.

However my husband, who is western, has the same relationship Nicole describes her husband having with his parents with his and in turn my relationship with my in laws is 'formal'. If I didnt remind him he would only speak to his dad on holidays and he only calls his mum weekly out of a sense of duty/ decades of bullying!

This is fascinating....

[1stimemum]

I was raised in a chinese environment and expressive positive emotion just did not exist. We were only praised for bringing home good grade and therefore their affection was conditional. Otherwise it was always : you have to do better, work harder etc... But i do agree that parents nearer the poverty line (like mine were) valued accomplishments more than the 'intangibles' of say happiness.

being extremely poor makes it hard to be happy as so for their offspring to have any chance of happiness- it was through our ability to make money ... so whilst I do understand their intentions, unfortunately I do not have a good relationship with them as we never knew how to talk and its almost impossible to start now .

this is a great thread

[carang]

i'm not sure i would link it to being closer to poverty. i have an EXTREMELY close relationship with my mother. she is really one of my best friends. she grew up the eldest of 5 in a minister's family. they were not destitute but by no means were they even considered middle-class, even though as the town minister, my grandfather was very well-respected in the community. my husband has a similar relationship to his parents that nicole's husband has....one more out of duty than anything. and although i like my MIL, i really feel that there is no respect from her towards me and my role in our family. eg) just today, my kids were fighting, so i separated them and gave them a 5 minute time-out. towards the end of the 5 minutes, i called my youngest out of her room so i could discuss her behaviour. when i turned around, my MIL was "secretly" and furritively trying to give my son MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!! she was telling him that they'd done nothing wrong, that they were always "good kids" and, hey, here's $100!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
although taken aback at her behaviour, i really wasn't that surprised by it....

anyway, for me, i think that the woman in the article is a tyrant. i cannot imagine calling ANYONE garbage, never mind my children? if you wouldn't treat a stranger in that manner, how can it be even remotely ok to treat your children that way??? her children have not been allowed to be children. i can understand pushing your kids to be the best they can and to try their hardest at everything, but to think that everyone MUST be good at everything is not only unrealistic, but it borders on cruel.

her behaviour, calling her children garbage... not letting them go to the toilet, not letting them do ANYTHING THEY want to do, not be allowed to visit friends' homes etc is a power play... if a husband was treating his wife like this, we would be suggesting councelling and most probably divorce...why should it be ok for a parent to do this to a defenceless child?

[thanka2]

i'm not sure i would link it to being closer to poverty. i have an EXTREMELY close relationship with my mother. she is really one of my best friends. she grew up the eldest of 5 in a minister's family. they were not destitute but by no means were they even considered middle-class, even though as the town minister, my grandfather was very well-respected in the community. my husband has a similar relationship to his parents that nicole's husband has....one more out of duty than anything. and although i like my MIL, i really feel that there is no respect from her towards me and my role in our family. eg) just today, my kids were fighting, so i separated them and gave them a 5 minute time-out. towards the end of the 5 minutes, i called my youngest out of her room so i could discuss her behaviour. when i turned around, my MIL was "secretly" and furritively trying to give my son MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!! she was telling him that they'd done nothing wrong, that they were always "good kids" and, hey, here's $100!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
although taken aback at her behaviour, i really wasn't that surprised by it....

Ha! The money story really rings a bell with me. My son spends a considerable amount of time with his Chinese grandparents and has since he was a newborn. He literally is at their house at least 1-2 days/week and has his own set of toys and a bed there.

But, my husband and I can barely handle being around the grandparents when they are with my son because they override us at every turn. It's frustrating to watch them allow my usually pretty well-behaved child run wild. There really are no rules with them when it comes to him. We'll be sitting at the dim sum restaurant and he'll crawl up on the table and they'll do nothing about it. It drives us nuts! And that behavior (as well as the tantrum throwing) totally doesn't fly at our house so he doesn't even attempt it with us. So, he has his time with "ye ye" and "ma ma" and we avoid being around during that time. The only arguments we've ever had with my parents-in-law since we were married are about their lack of respect for us as parents of our own child.

But, interestingly, their behavior toward my son makes complete sense--my father-in-law spent his child-raising years away from home trying to make it big in the company. He worked all day and then partied all night (to climb the ladder--ie going out for drinks with the bosses to **** up) and he did that for years and years. My mother-in-law worked in a factory sewing garments as she had about a primary 6 education (because her own family had about 10 children and the mother was a housewife and the father a repairman on the island trams--equaling no money--in fact my mother-in-law was sent away to live with an elder married sister to eliminate one of the mouths to feed).

So, my husband grew up in his early years raised by his grandparents--primarily his paternal grandfather who also had a concubine that he would bring my husband along to visit (saying "stay here and play with the dog and I'll be back in an hour"). Essentially my parents-in-law in many ways forfeited/missed their opportunity to be parents because they had other things going on. So, now along comes a grandson and for them it is like redemption. I think probably inwardly they feel guilty about how they treated my husband and so they lavish all their love on their grandson--all the love that was withheld from my husband and it makes them feel like they can erase the past and that now it's permissible. They are super affectionate with my son--hug and **** him all the time and tell him "I love you." In a way it's precious. I remember when we first brought my son to their house when he was 8 weeks old my father-in-law would hold him and walk for hours around the house rocking him to sleep and singing to him. It just breaks my heart, though, because my husband so longed for that affection and love that was denied him.

[Gataloca]

I didn't even get praised for good grade (or any other thing). They never do so we would not have too much pride on ourselves. Although I could see their faces bright and shining, they would say something negative to hold us down, like we still have to keep on the good work, or try harder.

About our relationship with our parents, yes, I would say it is more like duty. They used to tell us that we HAVE TO take care of them when they get old, cause otherwise, why would they have raised us?
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[carang]

AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THERE IS THE DIFFERENCE!

i don't want my kids to take care of me because they HAVE TO, i want them to take care of me (maybe) because they WANT to!

same for my mother! and the same for her mother! my grandmother lived with my mum for a while before she (my grandmother died)... she kept saying to my mother, "you don't have to...."...my mother's response was, "i know i don't HAVE TO, i WANT TO!"

[thanka2]

They used to tell us that we HAVE TO take care of them when they get old, cause otherwise, why would they have raised us?
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Now, that's a "solid" retirement plan.

[banane76]

Wow! I think her parenting style is definitely her own. My parents were strict, but not that strict and I think it's generational as well and doesn't work for every child. Have you heard of the book called Runaway by Evelyn Lau? Her parents were just like that and she ran away, became a prostitute and in the end a very successful author, but she's a lucky one. I don't think it works for every child and calling anyone "fatty" these days is damaging, maybe Amy is a more resilient person as a child, but not every child is like that and it could have long-lasting effects.