Mommy, i dont like school...and i dont want to go to school

[nicolejoy]

i am the one that said i couldn't do it. and i wondered what it would do to the marriage (honestly, how are you intimate with your husband when your child is sleeping with you?... not judging, just truly curious!). i also said that i didn't understand this method of parenting. i was not judging anyone.

I've always wondered that too - but one of my good friends is very into attachment parenting - and she had three kids in less than three years! So I guess they found a time and a place for intimacy ;) There's always the sofa, right? hehe

[Koan]

and i wondered what it would do to the marriage (honestly, how are you intimate with your husband when your child is sleeping with you?... not judging, just truly curious!).

You can have sex in places other than a bed.

[carang]

LOL! yes, thank you, i realise that.... but in hk flats...just thinking, the living room floor doesn't have quite the same appeal as it may have had pre-children...

[rebekah]

there are plenty of ways to be intimate, as nicole suggested. I was just saying that as long as both parents enjoy the cosleeping, it isn't an issue for them. I think it's a problem when one parent (in most cases this does seem be the father) does not enjoy cosleeping, but for us, it worked. When she was tiny I would lay with her whenever she slept but as she got bigger and learned to crawl out of bed (safely - consistently backwards, etc) on her own then we would settle her for the night and hang out elsewhere in the house. I'm sorry if that came out wrong, just sort of sick of everyone blaming everything that is "wrong" (and it isn't even wrong! kids just have different personalities) on cosleeping. I know you meant well!

[rebekah]

I should also mention that we also did this after leaving HK the last time (laid off and returned to the US in Jan 09, just returned last fall for a year or so) even when we decided to see the country in a 5th wheel camper for 6 months. That was only 230 square feet! it's just priorities.

[thanka2]

I should also mention that we also did this after leaving HK the last time (laid off and returned to the US in Jan 09, just returned last fall for a year or so) even when we decided to see the country in a 5th wheel camper for 6 months. That was only 230 square feet! it's just priorities.

Hmmm...I find it interesting to think of co-sleeping vs. not co-sleeping as a priority issue. Maybe it is. But, I also just think it's a practical issue. If it works for you (you get good sleep, both parents aren't bothered by it, the child is fine with it) then it works. If it doesn't work, even if you were to make it a "priority" how are you going to force it to be a comfortable situation? Either way, I honestly don't think it's a big deal or even really care if others prefer to co-sleep with their children until whatever age. I just see it as a cultural decision (or maybe even a
non-decision)

An aside: About it being a "non-decision"--Honestly, I lived with a Mainland Chinese family in Mainland China for awhile who lived in a tiny flat and when I wasn't there the whole family slept together in one big bed (even though they had two rooms, each with a mattress)--and their daughter was a secondary student so. Also, sometimes when I'd go to the toilette to shower--which was basically with a ladle and a bucket of heated water because they didn't have a functioning shower--their daughter would just follow me in there and take a shower with me--just normal behavior--no one thought that was weird so (well, the first time she did that I was a bit freaked out)...again, I can't imagine a lot of families around the world even having a discussion about "Should we co-sleep or not..."--they just do. Different families have different feelings/beliefs about privacy and personal space for sure.

And again, for us, probably the only reason why we don't co-sleep with our son is that practically it doesn't work. Even as an infant he was really hard to sleep with because of his 1) snoring 2) rolling about 3) flailing and 4) kicking. At 3-years-old he kicks like a mule and it just practically does not work for him to be in bed with us. So thankful he has his own bed he sleeps in! Agree with carang that none of us get any good sleep if we sleep together. We tried it for about a month when he was small (about 6-weeks-10 weeks old).

[carang]

do those of you who choose to co-sleep only have one child? we have a king-sized bed and as i said, neither of my kids sleep "nicely" enough-both kick, talk, snore, roll around, flail (much like thanka's child)- to do it....and with two of them, it would create so much jealousy to have only one...so, my question is this: if you have more than one child, how do you manage co-sleeping?

[fennho]

sorry for delayed reply. :)

On cosleeping
interestingly enough, i dont think our decision to cosleep had anything to do with my culture (being a chinese) altho my mom coslept with all four of us (so yeah, i guess my parents dont have a problem with the intimacy issue). But i did rem back when i was pregnant, i actually idealistically thought the baby will sleep in her own room so i bought the crib and decorated the nursery. But when she was born, and moving to HK when she was just 2mths old, i quickly learned that not only she's both colicky and a reflux baby, breastfeeding is also not fun if the baby is in separate rooms (i salute those moms who walked down the hall during those night feedings) and so we frantically dismantled the crib (cos my dear hubby assembled it in the nursery and we cant just roll it out of the room due to HK bedroom doors being extra small for that!) and reassembled it next to our bed. So she was actually sleeping in a crib next to my bed. All that changed when she was around 8-9 months old. I remember that time clearly, all of a sudden, she was waking up so much before midnight and crying so much. My arms were aching from all the rocking and then i just put her down on my bed and she slept without so much of a sniff! So from then on, it was decided (by her!) that it was actually a better way for all of us if she moved to our bed full time instead. on the contrary, we ALL got MUCH more sleep with her being on our bed! Well, altho she is also a kicker, now that she's older, if she hogs the bed, i'll just (gently) pushed her back to her side of the bed!

Cara
i've got a dear friend who has just given birth to her 2nd child, and i just visited her and well, she's also got a king sized bed and all four of them sleep on it! :)

thanka
on the AP style, well, i dont think i'm a hard core practitioner but rather i'm a believer. I dont follow ALL 8 principles of AP though. But among others, here're what i do that's in line:

1) breastfeeding - i breastfed my girl till about 2yr plus. Actually her former teacher from the parent/child class also thinks this is a problem/cause why my girl has severe separation anxieties wayyyy back when i was in the parent/child class. I'd say she has improved a lot now cos back then i couldnt even go to the toilet without her wailing a storm. I dunno if she has improved now becos she has matured or is it really becos i have weaned her (not becos others suggested but i was pregnant and i miscarried so the bf stops aft that cos i was on medication)

2) cosleeping - which i was doing

3) close contact - Since infanthood, we held her a lot. I was the main caregiver and she's always on a sling/carrier or the ergo (i had lots of different sorts of carrier!).

4) positive discipline - we try to do this as much as possible. i'm still learning how to curb MY own temper! :P

5) feeding - we let her eat as much (or as little) as she like.

I didnt start out as a AP mom, but rather as i learned more, i discovered the parenting styles i like is very much the foundation of what AP is all about. I guess a lot of parents dont even realised they are practicing the principles of AP. :)

I had a good day on Friday when i picked her up from school. Again, i spied on her during her outdoor play and spotted her running around, participating in the hide and seek game one of the teacher's assistant was playing. The children were all shrieking with joy running to hide and she was one of them. My heart just felt so happy looking at her laughing happily. She greeted me with a big smile when i picked her up so i'm a little encouraged things will get better. She did say "Mommy, i miss u sooooooo much!" But i'm not sure (and dreading) what the weekend break will do to this joyful phase. But she was singing a song from school (which i dunno), so that's nice too. This evening, before she slept, again, she said i want to wait for mommy. Well, at least she didnt say i dont want to go to school.

thanka
i agree with u on what u said about her possibly being emotionally mature in advance of her peers. And i think that may not be a good thing (for now for her age) cos it actually increase her misery. The way she talks and thinks sometimes even cause her daddy to form expectations beyond her age and i have to constantly remind dear daddy that she's 3 and not...say...5!

Anyway, thank you ALL SOOOOO MUCH for responding and giving your thoughts and opinions on my post. Will cross my fingers and hope for the best tom morning! I seriously hope she'll make some really good friends soon and like school better. And i think the main reason this "i dont like school" is happening is due to her missing me, so any advices on what to say to that? I've tried everything and i start to suspect none of the things i said to her is registering much (mommy will be right here, mommy misses u too but i'll be back soon, etc) cos she's adamant about it.