Terrible tantrums - 15 month old

[anotherone]

Hi all

Just thought I would check with you guys regarding this new "issue" with my son. In the past week he started having frequent tantrums if he doesn't get exactly what he wants straightaway, and no amount of explanation or soothing would stop the whinging and crying. Over night he seems to have learned the art of rolling around on the floor / holding onto furniture refusing to move / shedding a ridiculous amount of tears / sitting in the middle of the living room looking as if something unspeakably terrible has just happened to him. And he's nowhere near Terrible Two yet!!

I know it's futile to try and rationalise things with kids this young, but did anyone else experience this so early? This is especially frustrating since disciplining wouldn't really work when he's this young...

[carang]

what do you do when he does this?

my suggestion is this: he is most likely looking for attention of some kind. he's too little to distinguish the difference between "good" and "bad" attention. when he starts, either leave him where he is and walk away, completely ignoring the behaviour or take him to his room and then walk away... do not give attention for this behaviour at all... eventually he will learn that he won't get what he wants with that behaviour.

[satay sue]

My son was similar. Cara's advice is right, as tough as it may be, even if you are outside and people stare (which has happened to me!). Need to learn early that it's not the way to get what you want.

[Gataloca]

OMG.. my 14 month old boy is going through something similar. He is having more and more tantrums, specially when he cannot get what he wanted. Although most of the time, we can distract him with something else.

Last night he woke up at around 12am. After giving him a midnight feed I put him to sleep... He slept for few minutes and started to cry. I tried patting him, bringing him to our bed, carrying and walking him on my sling, and still didn't work. One hour later, I ended up breastfeeding him to sleep.... Really don't know what was wrong with him...

[thanka2]

I learned by watching my mom when my son started doing that sort of thing (around 12 months for my son) to just walk away. My mom was living with us then and if he started clinging to her leg and throwing a fit, she would gently, but firmly and without a word put him down on the floor so he didn't hurt himself and leave the room. If he ran after her doing the same thing she would repeat the process--as many times as necessary. She would also put him in his room and tell him, "Come tell me when you are done." My son would shape up really quickly. Even now at 3 (almost 4-years-old) when he starts having a fit over nothing I will look at him and ask, "Are you done yet?" He will usually quickly start wiping tears from his face, calm himself down and say, "I'm done." We never tolerated the fit-throwing. I think giving the child what he or she wants or even distracting him with something else is just setting yourself up for trouble later. It drives me crazy when my in-laws do this. They're getting better with it as he gets older but they would always reward his behavior by giving him something. It even astonishes my Chinese husband how local people here often see a child having a fit and give them candy! He often comments, "Well, that's just the opposite of what you should do." There have been times when people have done that on the train with my son and I politely accepted the candy but he never got it, that's for sure. Now that my son is older I've told him, "Unless your body or feelings are really hurt, don't cry." It's working well because when he starts to carry on I'll tell him, "Show me where you're hurting" or "Did someone hurt your feelings?" Usually the answer is "No" and then I start asking him, "Are you done yet?"

[Gataloca]

I understand Thanka and Carang approach, but somehow I don't feel that I can do it on my baby (yet)... Probably because I have always been kind of "attachment parenting" style... I tried following other approach before (Baby Whisperer) and somehow it didn't fit. So I have always tried to fulfill my baby's need as much as possible, so he would not cry as much. So I don't think he would understand if I suddenly let him crying because he cannot have something that he wanted... Instead I have always tried to explain to him why he cannot have the item or why I need to have that item back, and instead I offer him something else if he seems attached to that thing.... I don't think he quite understand my words, but usually he take it pretty well. I am usually quite flexible, and would let him have most of the things he is interested in (because I want him to have chance to explore more, not because I want to spoil him), provided that it is safe... My hubby on the other hand is too cautious and mostly would not let my baby hold items that are not "toys" or that he considers unsafe (e.g. bottles, containers with cream, lids, etc). He is sometime blunt at removing the object from my baby, making him cry. My hubby has tried that cry it out approach with my baby (specially when I am taking a shower).... It never worked, and I have always hated it.

[carang]

i do NOT believe in crying it out for a BABY, the thing is .... 14 months is not a baby anymore. children will NOT get everything they want. they need to learn how to handle the feelings when they don't get exactly what they want. please believe me, i see it ALL the time. i deal with it ALL the time (i teach over 150-200 kids every week), you need to nip this problem in the bud. it does not magically get better, you are setting up the patterns for your relationship with your child over the next few years. if you don't try to do something (i'm not saying that my approach is the only approach), you will end up with a child like "dudley, Harry Potter's cousin"...

why didn't it work when your hubby tried it? two simple reasons: he only tried it once and most likely when you got out of the shower you went and gave your child what he wanted and two, your child has since learned that if he cries long enough you will give in and give him what he wants.

i'm dealing with two older kids. if i had let them get everything/do everything that they wanted as younger children, i would have to totally out of control kids. being a kid is about pushing boundaries, testing those around you to learn how to interact with them.

being a parent is about setting those boundaries. children feel safe with boundaries, they need them.... they may not like them all the time, but they need them/want them. it makes them feel safe.

[Gataloca]

why didn't it work when your hubby tried it? two simple reasons: he only tried it once and most likely when you got out of the shower you went and gave your child what he wanted and two, your child has since learned that if he cries long enough you will give in and give him what he wants.

well, actually my hubby really didn't do it on purpose.... He in occasion just kind of felt down to entertain my baby, so just let him crying. Most of those time is before the baby's bed time, when the baby is usually tired and cranky. So yes, when I go out of the shower, i breastfeed him and put him to bed......