How to toughen up your kid emotionally

[Biggie]

What do you say to your kids when bad/ unfair things happen? Example, when some other kids take away sth from your kid in playroom, or push without saying sorry, cutting in lines etc? I don't want to lecture other kids and I can't make the other party yield or apologize, and i sometimes don't know what to say to my crying kid (he is 3.5 yr and very sensitive type). The message I want him to know is shxt happened in life and the world is not always fair so suck it up and move on. But obviously I can put it that way and I don't want to crush his little world too early.
Want to get some feedback how other moms deal with these situations. Thx
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[carang]

i explain that while we are polite, sharing, caring people... not everyone out there is. and while you may voice your disapproval, "hey, i was playing with that!" type of thing, sometimes it is better to just move on and play with something else.

it's kind of difficult when they are only 3... i'm still explaining this on a daily basis to my two and they are almost 6 and almost 8....

i find i have to do the same thing with their friends... ie> their friends may be able to speak a certain way or say certain words or act in a different manner, but that they have parents who have made the rules for their house... our house rules are XYZ and at our house that is how we speak to each other, behave when out and about etc.

for example: we do not use the words "shut up", "stupid", "moron", "idiot", "hate" etc. and while some parents may think it is ok, we do not. and therefore the rules at our house are that they are not acceptable.... if we hear the "f" word or the "sh" word.... i explain that those are adult words for adults to say when they are very angry, but even then it isn't very good (i was caught out by my 5 year old today for the "sh" one!)... they are not "kid" words and are most definitely NOT allowed.

[thanka2]

I've always allowed my child to feel the feelings they feel. I acknowledge it but I also don't make a big deal about it. A sample conversation would go.

"Yeah, it's not very fair that that boy took your toy. That feels really bad. I'm sorry. Well, let's go find something else fun to play with."

When a particular child is being nasty, aggressive or mean (and I've run into far too many of these types in HK, unfortunately) I will say something similar to what carang says, "Yes, he's not a very nice boy. He doesn't know how to share yet. He was being really unkind. Let's practice being kind...or Let's go somewhere else."

Sometimes I will confront children who are especially nasty to my children or being reckless and dangerous. Sometimes I will confront their caretakers as well. You just have to pick your battles in HK.

[Honkyblues]

I agree with Cara and Thanka for the most part - but I would just be careful about saying, "X is not a very nice boy." I would try to criticise the behaviour, "That wasn't very nice of X" rather than label the child as not nice.

I would also try to validate my own child's good behaviour, "That was so good of you not to snatch the toy back / not to retaliate when X hit you - I'm really proud of you."

My 5-yr-old is very sensitive and cries at the slightest 'injury' or injustice. I try to just jolly him out of it, move on to something else - but I'm careful not to say, "Stop crying over nothing" or anything similar to that. To him, it's not nothing. When he tries to be brave about something, then he gets lots of praise. But I don't criticize him for being (over) sensitive.

[carang]

i think both of us make that distinction....between the behaviour and the person.